The Suits/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Starring the old red green. Here he is, possum lodge's self-made man with no warranty -- your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you! Thank you very much! Appreciate it -- thank you. Thank you, thank you. Did you hurt your neck or did you go to don cherry's tailor? I had an accident on my bike. I was riding down holler hill. Junior singleton pulled his vega over to answer a call of nature. Nature must have been yelling, 'cause he didn't see me. I went wham! Into his door! My insurance agency says I should take legal action. So I'm gonna sue junior singleton for everything he's worth! $50,000! Harold, that's everything he's worth... Plus $50,000! (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. For those at home adjusting the sound on your t.V., you heard right. Harold is suing junior singleton for $50,000. Hope you haven't hired a lawyer. Ha-ha! No! I'm representing myself. I don't have a law degree but I've read every john grisham novel so I'll be ok. Abraham lincoln said people who act as their own lawyer have a fool for a lawyer and an ass for a client. Our country's only as strong as its legal system. It's like a muscle. If you don't use it, it gets out of shape. When you use it, you get this humongous cramp. You spend gym class huddled around the toilet. (audience laughing) I don't know why you're suing junior. He doesn't have money. I'll put a lien on his house. Any more "lean" and she'll fall over. I'm proving to the people of possum lake that you can settle disputes without throwing vegetables or deflating tires or leaving flaming bags of manure on porches. I said I was sorry. Wrecked my best shoes. Sue me! Wahahh! I will! (red): Here they are. Each has a half of moose thompson's halter top. Oh, boy... Oh, man. They're doing gliding. Remember when you had those gliders? Had a lot of fun... Oh! (laughing) the fun you can have... Oh, by golly. Yeah, it's so simple, sometimes, the most enjoyable things in life. Fun, fun, fun, eh? Yeah! (laughing) boy, I'm enjoying this. This is a step up. These are the kind, you wind up the prop. What are you doing? Got the elastic there. I thought this was high-tech stuff. Electric drill, there, and he's... He's really been working out. Either that, or the blade is made of solder, perhaps. That's gonna work great, isn't it, eh? Gonna work great. We'll check on them later after they smarten up! ♪ if you find yourself lookin' for a family pet ♪ ♪ I'd say get yourself a hog ♪ ♪ they're smart and friendly and they won't run away ♪ ♪ and they're easier to train than a dog ♪ ♪ and when the time comes when a dog passes on ♪ ♪ you'll find your heart is achin' ♪ ♪ but the pain of losin' a hog is eased ♪ ♪ by the bonus of all that bacon ♪ (imitating pig squealing) welcome to the word game! Tonight's prize is from the we-poll-it telephone solicitation company who will phone you at dinnertime to ask you questions. You have 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word. "bed". (laughing) "bed." (audience laughing) all right, uh... Mike. At night, you sleep in a... ... Cell. But you lie there in a... ... Cold sweat. You lie on a... ... Cot. Bunk... Cement floor. Your mattress fits on a queen-sized... ... Cell-mate. (audience laughing) after you made parole, you slept in a warm, dry... ... Dumpster. Ok, no, all right, if you'd gone home, your mom would let you sleep inour... ... Dumpster. We're almost out of time. Ok, there's an expression, ok? You made your something. Now you have to lay in it. I get it -- "getaway"! Ok, you tried your getaway but the escape route was blocked so you hid under... ... Her bed. Yeah! (ringing bell) this week on "handyman corner", I'll talk about winterizing your vehicle. If you're anything like me -- and if you watch this show, you are -- your vehicle is suffering from what I call receding tread-line. (audience laughing) male-pattern tire wear. We got space-age technology, put a man on the moon. You should be able to get a few hundred thousand miles out of a tire. I say you can -- look at this. We're not out of rubber. We're just out of tread. Being a retread myself, I say let's cut ourselves a new groove. Get yourself one of them automotive magazines, pick out a tread pattern that suits your lifestyle. Then plug in your router and start routin'. I get my kicks on "rout" 66. (coughing) man! Smells like I drove the indy 500 with the emergency brake on. I was having some problems following the pattern. Harder than I thought it would be. I've done a total re-think on 'er. (banging) what I've got now is something different. You're gonna love this. Personalized snow tires. See that? Not just a fashion statement. It actually proves where you were, if the cops should ask. Not just a tire -- it's an alibi... Hopefully, an airtight alibi. Or maybe you're the kind of person who gets lost. How about this unit? Got arrows carved into 'er. You mount these so the arrows are backwards. No matter where you go, you'll find your way home. Maybe you got a girlfriend you're trying to impress. Who isn't, huh? Even some of you married guys. How about this? "I love trudy". Isn't that beautiful? If you break up with trudy, just peel rubber for a few miles. You'll erase her off your radials and your life. Here's something special I'm working on for my wife. A little surprise for her. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm gonna dot that "I". I'll use that one as a spare. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. The biggest problem you kids got is "who am I gonna ask for advice?" can't go to your dad -- he botches everything. He bought that pacer, said that was the car of the future. Your mom's too nice. She'll tell you exactly what you want to hear. Maybe you got an older brother, but he's spent five years on the couch, so he has a different agenda. If you ask me, you want the relative that drives your parents crazy. Tell you something. Nine times out of 10, it's an uncle. Uncles give great advice. Go find that uncle, see? He probably thinks you're being raised by morons so he's motivated to give you great advice and he wants you to do it well. Not only will he get credit for doing something good, he'll drive your parents crazy. You seek out that uncle. He's smarter than he looks. He's gotta be. Yes, you can leave the room. Put your arm down. Wahhhh! What a mess this guy's created. He's suing junior for $50,000. $75,000! Ever since the accident, my arm's been tingly. My upper body strength isn't what it used to be. It went up? Man! Junior's suing buster, who had the party, hereinafter referred to as the party of the first part. Buster is suing "humphrey's everything store" for selling him the coffee that caused junior to have to relieve himself and caused the accident, hereinafter referred to as what that idiot harold did. I don't think everybody should be mad at me. They're not mad at you. They're gonna sue everybody and use you as their lawyer. Really? Oh, that's excellent! I'd need a retainer. You're wearing a retainer. Right, ok... I'm gonna need a legal position on this. I'm advising everybody to plead insanity. That can be difficult to substantiate. Picking you as a lawyer is all the proof they need. (laughing) whoa! Oh! Holy mackerel! All right, we're fine. Ok. (laughing) welcome to "auto biography", where members of possum lodge talk about remembrances of cars gone by. Got dougie franklin here. How many vehicles have you owned? 13, 14... 100. That's quite a fleet. You have a favourite out of that pack? I think my favourite would have to be my metal-flake blue 1968 dodge charger. Metal-flake blue exterior... Metal-flake blue interior... Metal-flake blue tinted windows. Was a beautiful thing to behold. When you put your pedal to the metal, it would snap your neck like a twig and your hair would end up in the back! (laughing) that's gotta reduce the resale value. Wahhh... Nothin'. You could be drivin' down the main street on a good night and that engine, she'd... She'd just be hummin'. (burbling) (sputtering) racing cam. Yeah. Oh, boy. Then I'd do that thing. I'd put one foot on the brake and the other one on the accelerator... Those back tires would be screamin'! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Then I'd take my foot off the brake and she'd... Whoa! First gear! (screaming) second gear! (screaming) then I'd... Look out! Pedestrians! (screaming) then I'd hit the brake! (screaming) (applause) (siren) possum 911 -- how can we help you? I've fallen and I can't get up! That you, dalton? It's me, dalton humphrey. Any broken bones? Can you get to a phone? (audience laughing) (moaning) I'm feeling faint. I... I can't breathe! I got a piano on my chest! Well, there's your problem. Yeah, try an accordion on your chest -- they're lighter. No, red, my wife was gonna hire movers to drag the piano upstairs, and, you know... I don't pay people to move furniture. Let me guess -- your wife went out, you figured you could move the piano yourself. Well, yeah... Ugh! Ohhhh! I got it as far as the first landing. It didn't fit around the corner. Sort of lost my momentum and... Oooh! And, uh... Well, we came back down again. Now I'm pinned and I can't reach the phone book. We got a phone book here. I could look something up. I could phone somebody for you. Oh, thanks, harold. Call five different piano movers and get estimates. And then call back the second cheapest and say the cheapest will do it for less. "can you beat his price?" then call the cheapest and say "can you give me a break?" and keep arguing 'em down. Then tell the cheapest to rush over and get this piano off my chest! You should call an ambulance or the fire department! The fire department -- they're big fellas, aren't they? Pretty big, some of them. And I pay taxes -- they'll move this for nothin'! (red): Meanwhile, the boys are still winding their... ... Elastics. Bill likes to crank 'er up. (laughing) oh, bill. Come on, bill, come on. Come on! You'll go blind. What the heck...? Oh, yeah, that will work great. You know what, bill? I would suggest just a couple more. One more? All right. Just one more -- that's right. You can always get one more. (laughing) boy, there's a surprise. Now... Oh! That's nice. You take your friend's -- beautiful. He's gonna crank that up. Now he's prepared to launch that. These things are so realistic. Sets 'er down and... The flight's already delayed. It's so realistic. Oh, you're cleared for take-off! You can shave with that. Oh, harold! Oh, harold! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Easy, boys, easy! Easy, easy, easy, easy! See what happens now? Some of these men, they panic. Come on, that's not fair. Ohhhh! You killed-- uh-oh! Uh-oh! Revenge is a dark thing. Suddenly, gliders are coming from everywhere. I don't like the look of this. I don't like the feel of this. I'm glad I'm not there. Guys? Guys, you all right? What's that? What is it? (bill): Whoa!! (red): Suddenly we're in the middle of some horror movie or something, aren't we? Shh! What are you gonna do? Oh, they're gonna escape! They're following you! Run like the wind! Run! Oh, by golly! Whoa!! (gliders squeaking) hope they don't have a balsa allergy. Get in! Close that door! (gliders squeaking) oh, that will help -- the wipers. Bill, where are you gonna go? Bill's going into the barn! They're still after him! My gosh! (gliders squeaking) (red): This is scary. Whoa! Ohhhh! (red): Oh! (screaming) (red): Ohhh... Finally, it's over. You're all right, harold. You're all right. Everything's all right. The gliders have all spent their elastics. Bill ok in the barn? Ohhhh! Careful, harold, careful! Careful, careful! Ohhh! Ahhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhh... Oh, no, he's fine. Speaking of voodoo, here's dolls made by a friend in london, ontario. "a poem by robert frost bite green. "when the wind works against us in the dark "and pelts with snow "the lowly chamber window on the east, "and whispers with a sort of stifled bark, "'hey, genius, are you still glad "'you didn't buy that condo in port charlotte?'" ever since harold had his bike accident-- are you auditioning for "the mummy's curse"? I went to the town hall to fill out the writ of habeus corpus against junior singleton. I tripped going up the stairs. On the way down, I got my feet caught in the bandage my mom put around my leg. I'm suing the township for $500,000 and my mom for $1 million! Hi, mom. That figures -- everybody's suing everybody. Moose thompson is suing stinky peterson for air quality violations resulting in loss of appetite. Old man sedgwick's got a class-action going 'cause nobody warned him to take care of his teeth. People are suing me 'cause there's no fish in the lake, 89 counts of reckless endangerment, so I'm counter-suing the whole shebang -- what the heck, eh? We got each person suing each other person for hundreds of thousands of dollars! Wow! Uncle red! You know what this means? I sure do -- we're all gonna be rich! (laughing) welcome to the portion where we examine those three words that men find so hard to say... (audience): "I don't know!" excellent! "I don't know!" on the expert portion, joining my uncle red, his best friend in the room, mr. Ferryboat captain himself, hap shaughnessy! (applause and cheering) all right! A lady viewer writes, "dear red" -- ha-ha-ha! "when I grow up, I want to be famous. "what is it like to be famous?" well, you know, it's-- "and do you know anyone who actually is famous?" (audience laughing) I think I am famous in this area. I certainly have a reputation. I don't think she's talking about collection agencies. (audience laughing) fame! Ahhh! Rather than love, than money, than fame... ... Give me truth. (audience laughing) well, once in hollywood, you can be the toast of the town -- star of comedies, westerns, action films. The next minute, you're running a ferryboat service in some godforsaken town in northern ontario. (audience laughing) (laughing) you're not talking about yourself, are you, hap? (laughing) 30 films, an oscar nomination, and who remembers? No one on this planet! So, mr. Shaughnessy, you were in movies? You break my heart when you have to even ask that question. It's not easy for me, either. I played the farmer in "shane". I played the mad bomber in "airport". Wait a sec, wait a sec. I saw those movies and that actor... Well, it wasn't hap shaughnessy, I'll tell you that. The studio publicist called me "van heflin". (audience laughing) van heflin? Yeah. You were taller then, weren't you? If I remember right, you had a different... Face. Just part of my craft, harold. I don't want to brag, but no less an actor than charlton heston told me that I could really act. He said that with a straight face, so I'm convinced. (audience laughing) everyone settled their cases out of court, which is good, 'cause we couldn't afford to build a court. I was suing moose thompson for 30 grand. We solved that -- he gave me back my fish finder. Stinky gave me back my drill and I gave him his good boots. I won my suit against buster. What suit is that? My bathing suit -- I wondered where that went. So everybody's happy. Law and order has been restored. But what about my lawsuit against the township and junior and my mom? Good news -- I got back your dip net and the video game. Ok, excellent -- good work. This suing was a lot of fun. Maybe I'll be a lawyer, 'cause everybody hates me already. That would be ok. Maybe I can get on one of those big firms, like on "l.A. Law" or "perry masonry" or I could be a cool corporate lawyer like in that show "traders". (laughing and applause) that's cool. (possum squeal) squeal of the possum! It's meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead -- I'll be right down. Away you go. Ohhh! If my wife is watching, I'm coming home after the meeting. All this legal stuff got me thinking. Later, if you present me with your briefs, I'll probably recommend a merger. The rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): Oh, ok. Stand up -- he's in the room! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. I have a serious announcement. Last night at the banquet, a bunch of us went through 400 gallons of beer. This morning, when we emptied the holding tank, there was 500 gallons in there. We have another book coming out -- "red green talks cars: A love story." it's available through possum lodge and through your local book retailer. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!